I have my first appointment in ages with a pyscologist tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it. I was abused as a child, and so now I am there doing the whole psycho babble thing for a while until I manage to get my way out of it.
By the way people, I am offline at the minute, so I am writing blogs then posting them...should be resolved soon!
Anyway, I have written a list of all that I can, and all that I cant speak to her about...
NB: a binge to me is 2 cup a soups and a handful of cereal...and I will still purge...hence why I have been coined a “purging anorexic”
Things to talk about with psychologist:
Flashbacks
Negative thought patterns
Depression
Relationships – resenting people once they start telling me to eat, etc.
Self harm
Self esteem
Things not to talk about with psychologist:
Fasting
Purging
Binging
Body image
Here is my theory, once I achieve my goal weight, which is 20th December, all my other problems will go away. I will be happier and feel better within myself, my self esteem will rocket and therefore the self harm will stop; I wont feel the need to cut anymore. I will have become worth more. Just now, I need to stop eating, and be more disciplined. By 18th December I will be 7st, or 98lb to those who are not Irish/UK. I will fast hard and starve harder.
The reason I want to be down to 98lb by then is because it will be the first Christmas in 4 years I will have seen my birth family (grew up in care, you see) and I want them to know that I am doing well and have my life where I want it to be. They are all really fat, so when I walk in there thin and svelte, they will feel bad about themselves and what they put me through. Look at me! I didn’t have to eat my way through the bad times J. Oh, and yes, those are Prada shoes, because I didn’t spend all my money on cream buns, spuds and fast food.
I know this may sound really cruel and harsh to those outside of the situation, but I grew up in a household where it was fun to beat the children, to molest them as seen fit and to drug them and watch them stumble about the living room for entertainment purposes. Not anymore. I am older and wiser. I am at university and studying a very complex degree. I am living in the centre of Edinburgh in the flashiest, most upmarket part of town. I can be the one that is in control. I can be the one who is doing well and not having to rely on others for my kicks. I can get through life myself, and not have to lean on anyone else to hold me up. If I want a nice place, I will have it. If I want to be thin, I will be THIN!!! From here on in I will not let foo beat me. I may feel hungry, I will get over it. I may feel faint, I will have a glass of water. I may faint, I will say I have low blood pressure, a family curse.
The only person that knows I actually have an ED now is my boyfriend, who you will all know as Bojoux. He is on here too, he has bulimia and fasts the odd time too. He is so good to me, but I am bad for him. I tell him when I am fasting and he tries to help, but I know it is making him feel fat and horrible when I am losing weight and he isn’t losing as fast as me. He was pretty heavy on the drink for a while, but he is getting help now, and now that he has stopped drinking, he is losing weight so fast. He looks so good J. I am probably going to be a mess tomorrow after this appointment. I plan only to talk about what was said, but I want to go back to a professional about eating (or non-eating) so I can meet other people face to faceand actually talk about the real issues. I find so often that people on these forums are people who think that Ana is some kind of diet and actually sit there eating a pie whilst posting that they are on day 4 of their fast and doing really well. What bollocks!!! I want honesty, people who are straight up. Like this...
Today I ate a slice of cake. I feel like utter shit now. I know that I have done wrong. I have to fast strictly for at least 3 days. Just water and one glass of fruit juice, nothing else. This is actually true, this is not an example, I did actually eat a fucking slice of that bannoffie pie stuff – banana, toffee and biscuit base...it tasted horrible in the best way possible, i.e. tasted great, but with all 3 mouthfuls, I was gagging and knew I was putting horrible fat into my tummy. Of course I made myself sick until my tubby tummy hurt, and stood on the scales (just to check) before coming in here and writing this blog, because I feel so bad. Do you know why, because I actually have a disorder. I know if you are actually legitimately ill, this might sound offensive, but I have spoken to so many people on here that have admitted that they want to “develop” anorexia, because they want to be thin. It actually offends me when people do that. There are people who actually have a serious illness and come onto places like this to find others in the same position to support them and help them and offer advice etc, but then there are others who just don't know. I understand why they might be here, and support them to an extent, because there must be some issues there for them to come here in the first place, but just be honest from the outset. That is all I askJ .
Anyway, what else? My tummy is so bloated today it isn’t funny. It isn't food, it is water. I am living on that and fruit juice for the next wee while. After that, I will take a load of diuretics and laxatives and then flush away all that excess fluid. Here is my upcoming diet plan:
December:
Week 1
Water – as much as wanted
Fruit juice – grapefruit or orange – up to 2 pints per day
1 banana per day – split into 3
2 doses of strong laxative (movicol)
Week 2
Water – no more than 2 litres per day
Fruit juice – no more than 1 pint per day
1 piece of fruit per day
3 doses of laxitives per day
1 diorlyte for rehydration
Week 3
Water – 1 litre per day
Fruit juice – 1 litre per day
2 pieces of fruit – 3 time per day
4 doses of laxitives per day
1 diorlyte for rehydration
If I am not at or below my goal weight after this, I will die of shock!!! If I stick to this, I should be nicely emaciated by 23rd December, the day I fly back to Ireland for the family dinner. I am going to try so hard to eat while I am there, I don't want anyone but Paul knowing about this. Pretty shit doctors etc know, but this is my secret from here on in. I will finally be able to hold my head high and walk with pride. I will also have to get new clothes...i will be too thin for my ones. The excitement!!!
Will speak to you all soon. Sorry if I sound brash today. I am just typing without thinking and wanting to get it all out...vent!
I hope you are all feeling positive.
This will be hard work and we all need each other, especially coming up to xmas where we will have to drop lots of weight because you are guaranteed to be forced to eat over the mass turkey massacre season.
Thinking about you all Xx
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